Post by James on Feb 29, 2012 16:36:56 GMT -1
As Carl, Brett and Dawn may have noticed, I haven't been on ToR in over a week now. Here follows an explanation of why this was/is and also some things I feel I have to say.
So, after my untimely DC from the RP session we were having, I took a bit of an emotional nosedive. These disconnects had been happening all too frequently already, and had been severely dampening my spirits (yes, I've bitched to my ISP and been offered discounts, but that won't cut it yadayadayada...) to the point where it was killing my drive to log in to begin with. The day after this, my parents confronted me, revealing that they knew that I had not been attending college like I said I was, and this developed into me having a full-blown breakdown, mentally, emotionally and physically draining me. What words were had between myself and my parents will remain private, as the three of us had a long discussion in relation to my life, my failings, etc. To summarise: I really am a bit of a terrible human being: selfish, arrogant, you name it..I'm it.
I've accepted these things, and I'm sure you're all well aware of many of my character flaws, as well as the general relationship issues I have with my family as a whole. Many of these problems I percieved to have with my family were and kind of still are due to my own mental health due to my constant struggle with depression. I've done a lot of thinking this week, and I've realised a lot about myself.
Gaming Compulsion
More commonly referred to as "addiction", I feel this is a better term to describe my relationship with computer games. For a long time now, instead of doing things that I really should be doing, I have been compelled to simply not do things, like go to college, see friends, spend time with my family etc, and simply play computer games instead. I put this down to the social aspect of MMOs in general, being able to talk with my good friends online while still enjoying playing a computer game. This was only partly true. My time outside of MMOs was mainly taken up with other games, and when I say "mainly", I really mean "completely". I've spent many a night simply playing games, and not sleeping so as I can be awake in the morning to pretend like I'm going to college and instead simply sleep when my parents went off to work, completely killing any semblance of a normal sleeping pattern. Needless to say this is a rather unhealthy practice which I feel needs to end.
I'm my own worst enemy
Perhaps because of this gaming compulsion, lack of sleep, and too much time spent outside of reality as I immersed myself in games, I have developed a rather warped view of my surroundings, feeling that people mean something else entirely when they say certain things, reading too far into what people have said, and even subconciously editting conversations with people to make myself out to be the victim. I essentially felt like I was in the right all the time, that my parents were rediculously hard on me, and I really did harbour a deep loathing for my family. After discussing some of the finer points of this, amongst other things, with my parents, I have come to the realisation that I really am not doing myself any favours by being so detatched from the world around me.
To cut what could be an incredibly long winded, rambling essay on everything that's wrong with my personality and my perceptions of others, I'm going to say a few final words and leave it at that.
Guys, I love you all very dearly. Very rarely does a group of such devoted, kind, funny, intelligent, like-minded people cross a person's path. That's why I write this with great difficulty, and why it has taken me so long to let you all know what's going on. It's also why I can't face you "in person" on ToR, or mumble, or msn or any other medium where you could interject at any moment and convince me otherwise.
I'm leaving the world of online gaming for the time-being. Until I feel stable enough - both emotionally and financially - I will not be continuing playing any form of online game, and I am severely limiting my time spent on single player games as well. I understand that from your points of view, I may seem like a complete dick for doing this, considering that we barely got things off the ground there, but I need this. I need to do this, for my own sanity. Please understand how difficult this is, and please, please don't hate me because of it. I am in a very bad time in my life, and it's simply unfortunate that things have turned out this way. Trust me, I had no intention of quitting any time soon before this whole shitstorm blew up in my face.
I still want to remain in contact with you guys: you have my mobile number if you feel like talking, I'll be on msn as often as I can be, and I'll still visit these forums (I have absolutely no intention of giving up writing, as it's one of my few creative outlets remaining, so expect to see some stuff pop up from time to time).
That's really all I have to say here. I need to get my life back in order, and to enable me to do that, I need to distance myself from gaming in general, as it was screwing with me more than I realised.
I'm hoping in this time away to get a half decent job, clear my debt, and then move into my own flat in Edinburgh, at which point any and all of you are entirely welcome to visit me if you so wish.
I'm not saying that I'll never be back on any MMOs in the future, it's just that I need to sort things out first. So, hopefully sooner rather than later, I'll be back on, playing and RPing with you guys again, just not spending nearly as much time as I used to on it.
Again, please understand just how difficult this is for me, and how much it pains me to have to do this. As I've said, I still want to stay in touch with you guys as you're a good source of support for me, and I wouldn't want something like this to spoil our good friendships.
Thanks for reading,
James.
So, after my untimely DC from the RP session we were having, I took a bit of an emotional nosedive. These disconnects had been happening all too frequently already, and had been severely dampening my spirits (yes, I've bitched to my ISP and been offered discounts, but that won't cut it yadayadayada...) to the point where it was killing my drive to log in to begin with. The day after this, my parents confronted me, revealing that they knew that I had not been attending college like I said I was, and this developed into me having a full-blown breakdown, mentally, emotionally and physically draining me. What words were had between myself and my parents will remain private, as the three of us had a long discussion in relation to my life, my failings, etc. To summarise: I really am a bit of a terrible human being: selfish, arrogant, you name it..I'm it.
I've accepted these things, and I'm sure you're all well aware of many of my character flaws, as well as the general relationship issues I have with my family as a whole. Many of these problems I percieved to have with my family were and kind of still are due to my own mental health due to my constant struggle with depression. I've done a lot of thinking this week, and I've realised a lot about myself.
Gaming Compulsion
More commonly referred to as "addiction", I feel this is a better term to describe my relationship with computer games. For a long time now, instead of doing things that I really should be doing, I have been compelled to simply not do things, like go to college, see friends, spend time with my family etc, and simply play computer games instead. I put this down to the social aspect of MMOs in general, being able to talk with my good friends online while still enjoying playing a computer game. This was only partly true. My time outside of MMOs was mainly taken up with other games, and when I say "mainly", I really mean "completely". I've spent many a night simply playing games, and not sleeping so as I can be awake in the morning to pretend like I'm going to college and instead simply sleep when my parents went off to work, completely killing any semblance of a normal sleeping pattern. Needless to say this is a rather unhealthy practice which I feel needs to end.
I'm my own worst enemy
Perhaps because of this gaming compulsion, lack of sleep, and too much time spent outside of reality as I immersed myself in games, I have developed a rather warped view of my surroundings, feeling that people mean something else entirely when they say certain things, reading too far into what people have said, and even subconciously editting conversations with people to make myself out to be the victim. I essentially felt like I was in the right all the time, that my parents were rediculously hard on me, and I really did harbour a deep loathing for my family. After discussing some of the finer points of this, amongst other things, with my parents, I have come to the realisation that I really am not doing myself any favours by being so detatched from the world around me.
To cut what could be an incredibly long winded, rambling essay on everything that's wrong with my personality and my perceptions of others, I'm going to say a few final words and leave it at that.
Guys, I love you all very dearly. Very rarely does a group of such devoted, kind, funny, intelligent, like-minded people cross a person's path. That's why I write this with great difficulty, and why it has taken me so long to let you all know what's going on. It's also why I can't face you "in person" on ToR, or mumble, or msn or any other medium where you could interject at any moment and convince me otherwise.
I'm leaving the world of online gaming for the time-being. Until I feel stable enough - both emotionally and financially - I will not be continuing playing any form of online game, and I am severely limiting my time spent on single player games as well. I understand that from your points of view, I may seem like a complete dick for doing this, considering that we barely got things off the ground there, but I need this. I need to do this, for my own sanity. Please understand how difficult this is, and please, please don't hate me because of it. I am in a very bad time in my life, and it's simply unfortunate that things have turned out this way. Trust me, I had no intention of quitting any time soon before this whole shitstorm blew up in my face.
I still want to remain in contact with you guys: you have my mobile number if you feel like talking, I'll be on msn as often as I can be, and I'll still visit these forums (I have absolutely no intention of giving up writing, as it's one of my few creative outlets remaining, so expect to see some stuff pop up from time to time).
That's really all I have to say here. I need to get my life back in order, and to enable me to do that, I need to distance myself from gaming in general, as it was screwing with me more than I realised.
I'm hoping in this time away to get a half decent job, clear my debt, and then move into my own flat in Edinburgh, at which point any and all of you are entirely welcome to visit me if you so wish.
I'm not saying that I'll never be back on any MMOs in the future, it's just that I need to sort things out first. So, hopefully sooner rather than later, I'll be back on, playing and RPing with you guys again, just not spending nearly as much time as I used to on it.
Again, please understand just how difficult this is for me, and how much it pains me to have to do this. As I've said, I still want to stay in touch with you guys as you're a good source of support for me, and I wouldn't want something like this to spoil our good friendships.
Thanks for reading,
James.
